Why did I get married???

Why did I get married???

Hi Peeps!
How has it been? 
I heard about this guy in the states that “snapped”, killed his wife (who just delivered a baby) and the wife’s mum. Then went to the neo-natal ward and grabbed his child. All these because the wife wanted a divorce. Na by force?

I thought on the issue for a while (cos I’m obviously a “thinker”🤣) and came up with these 4 scenarios:
*No be im get pikin.
* Wife yanga 2 much, sake of say na im get money pass.
*One or both dey cheat.
*Na Village people cause am (Nija excuse).

Which of these reasons is enough to kill wife, com join the girl mama inside?
We keep talking about mental health, but don’t couples address issues anymore?
The man or woman in the marriage is not the partner’s property nah. To love and to hold, if love don comot, why una still dey hold?

Social work practitioners even advise trial separation in cases of abuse. I lay the blame on our upbringing in Africa though. I was raised to believe that ‘Oko ni olori aya’ (husband is the head/boss of the wife). Back then when a lady is about to get married, you are instructed that, “Nkan ti oko ba fe ni ki o ba a fe” (Do whatever the guy wants).

I followed these advice to the letter for many years, even when I knew I should do the opposite and na me know wetin my eye see.
The irony was my husband  wanted what I wanted (pardon my french😁). And we both realized where we went wrong.

Some see the ‘abuse signs’ before marriage, but ignore them, hoping for ‘change’ like Nija🙄. Why stay in an abusive relationship? This goes for both genders. We are quick to identity with female victims, what of the male who gets physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally and psychologically tortured also. According to the guardian.com, “40% of domestic abuse victims are male”.

So many of our “leaders” condemned Ifesinachi’s murder.

*What of the unknowns that gets murdered on the regular?
*Why are we reactive rather than proactive about this issue?
*What policy has been drafted as  preventative for future occurrence?
Sadly, these went on in the days of our fathers and it will go on unchecked because we only make noise after the deed and everyone moves on.

Many are so jaded with marriage as a result of these happenings.  A childhood friend was at a wedding and as she watched the bride and her friends dancing, her thought were  whether or not the girl would be laughing 5 years down the line. Just imagine!

I belong to a women WhatsApp group and submission was brought up. A lady said women should submit in order for the men to love them. Another took an exception to it, which I seconded. ‘Love your wife’ has no appendix of ‘if she submits to you’ This is the kind of rationality that gives rise to a servitude mindset.

Every relationship has 2 imperfect, flawed people from different backgrounds coming together to start a life, there will definitely be friction along the way. I don’t subscribe to the ‘rave’ of divorces (it’s fashionable now I guess), but the parties involved would know when it’s irreparable. 

Pray and WORK (take constructive actions) on it, but get out rather than go into depression or get killed. Where do you get off thinking you can change another person? Only God can or the person decides to change. No marriage or relationship is worth your life abeg. No be DO OR DIE!!!

Pls drop your candid (no holds bare) opinions on this matter at the comment section.

Stay safe!

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Comments (29)

  • Mary Olajumoke TOKUNBO-COLE Reply

    My sister I must say I relate with this article a lot.
    I also believe in the saying” Oko lo lori aya”.
    I really believe that a woman does not have a voice and what the man says is final.
    Seeing the way things are happening nowadays is making me have a rethink that I believe love, relationship should be mutual.
    It should be a joining as you said of two imperfect people from different backgrounds coming together as one.

    I really love this piece.
    People need to sit and think
    Thank you for this

    June 12, 2022 at 12:09 pm
  • Oyewo Dada Reply

    Unhhh! This is very simple as God made it clear in ephesians 5:22, wives be submissive to your husband. No controversy first thing first.

    June 12, 2022 at 12:27 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Same Bible states, ‘Love your wife as Christ loves the church and gave his life for it’. Ofesinachi died at the hand if the man that was supposed to love her to the point of giving his life for her all in the name of ‘submission ‘.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:20 pm
  • Maryann Olopade Reply

    Nice write up👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

    June 12, 2022 at 12:28 pm
  • Maryann Olopade Reply

    Nice write up 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

    June 12, 2022 at 12:29 pm
  • Benoy Reply

    Thanks , just timely and you’re God sent. I appreciate…

    June 12, 2022 at 12:33 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      You are welcome. It’s hightime we face reality and stuff hiding evil.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:29 pm
  • Omoba Florence Adeola Ashoko Reply

    Love your wife. It is the love that calls for submission. There is no one loved that will not submit. Submission is the response to love. Love brings about giving, care, trust, etc. There’s no one exposed to the features of love that will not submit in return. If there are no features of love, please find your level you do not matter to the man in question. 2 Corinthians 13: 1-13

    June 12, 2022 at 1:03 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      O ma seun o, my sentiment exactly.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:30 pm
  • Dejo Olajide Reply

    I know that many times we reference the bible most time to issues that could be solved by simple thoughts. I am going to do the same here and go into my personal analysis.

    Psalm 127:1 “Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.”

    It is very important to note as the writer have stated, “Every relationship has 2 imperfect, flawed people from different backgrounds coming together to start a life”.

    To make this two flawed people perfect in imperfection, there is a need for submission, acceptance, patience, endurance and above all, mutual love, care and understanding.

    In submission, it is by submitting to each other (not wife submitting to husband or husband submitting to wife). It is a 50/50 love, kept sacred, shared honestly and nurtured like a baby.

    In acceptance, we need to accept the flaws and weaknesses of our partner and very importantly, make no jokes about it. We need to be supportive and strengthen our partner so that the imperfection will become perfect.

    1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

    The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. If we put the verse in Corinthians into practice, just like practicing the 10 Commandments in the Bible, with God on your side, every aspect of your life will be perfected. So first, seek God in your relationship, and I mean every aspect of your relationship. If you work with God, you will always win.

    God Bless you all.

    June 12, 2022 at 1:14 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      This is deep, really learning a lot from your wealth of experience. Thanks sir.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:33 pm
  • Kemi Reply

    Hmmmm my dear sis this is a big can of worms you opened o!
    1st I believe people should love themselves and be happy.
    If you love yourself and are constantly making your self happy, it will be easy to identify unhappiness and it’s cousins.
    It’s not a sin to believe one guy/girl is the ‘one’. And is not a sin to realize you were wrong. Both can amiably separate. I know this is rare, but doable.
    I beg the Oyinbo that made pencil also made eraser o!
    This domestic violence is claiming too many lives.
    I don’t know about you but me, I am loving myself like ‘kilode’ and I’m loving God like ‘kilode again’. Everyone else, husband, children, family, friends, I love but are not the source of my happiness and self love. They are secondary! So if any of them threatens my peaceful equilibrium, I remove like ‘jiga’ ( some form of leech in Yoruba) QED. No debate o. The only goal I have is love God, serve Him and be happy! Everything in between is Xable, deleteable with no regrets.

    June 12, 2022 at 1:52 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      You hit the nail on the head ma. When there is self love and one is not looking for joy anywhere outside Christ, there would be peace of mind. It’s when we make gods of humans we gets disappointed and depressed. Thanks for your ever encouraging contributions ma.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:38 pm
  • Kemi Reply

    Sorry I forgot to commend you! It’s a very very relevant topic you posed today. Thanks.

    June 12, 2022 at 1:53 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      A n dupe ara eni ma.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:38 pm
  • Olubukola Dosunmu Reply

    Interesting write up- truly mental health issues go beyond what we think. We need to build stronger social support system in our society to protect every potential victim- that could just be anyone- even you and I.

    June 12, 2022 at 2:03 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Exactly! Especially in Nigeria where there is so much stigmatization of mental health related issues. No one wants to be categorised as ‘mad’.

      June 12, 2022 at 8:41 pm
  • Kemmie Reply

    A very timely and insightful discussion! Ephesians 5:21 says submitting ye one to another, meaning that both are to submit. This does not necessarily mean that the headship of the man as ordained by God is threatened. Rather it indicates that if a wife is more talented/ gifted/prudent or an expert in an aspect, then the husband can defer to her and vice versa without friction. All in all wisdom is profitable to direct

    June 12, 2022 at 11:26 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Deep called to deep!

      June 25, 2022 at 10:07 pm
  • Ola Reply

    Abuse ! I am hopeful that victims of abuse ( men and women )will continue to gain confidence and have a voice all over the globe .
    As a Nigerian , it’s obvious we most of us have been brainwashed to internalize our feelings and “stick” it through, baba nla error 🤦🏾‍♀️. Can you imagine the number of folks that must have died miserable because they didn’t have a voice , all they could do was to log their abuse episodes in their minds without the ability to share it . Hiaaan ! Much respect to them biko .
    I don’t know about other cultures but Yorubas for instance will tell you not to wash your dirty linen outside lol ! What does that even mean when you think about it . Cover up abuse and suffer or die during the process of protecting someone else’s image / ego , how ??? I beg wash that linen and spread it outside let the sun dry it wella especially if it’s messing with your sanity .
    My people Mental health issues are real o and if not properly managed it becomes fatal !
    There are too many undiagnosed folks walking around who look normal and in reality need an intervention. Let’s save lives by wearing our thinking caps, educate ourselves / others about abuse , love ourselves and speak or scream for help as.needed.
    Nice one Titi 👍🏾.

    June 13, 2022 at 8:15 am
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Thanks. The “woke” generation have redefined that Yoruba culture sha.

      June 25, 2022 at 10:09 pm
  • Yemi Ezebube Reply

    Many sides to the story and no one method fits all. Looking deep down, who raised these abusers? What are the triggers and why is domestic violence on the increase these days?? To me, we dwell more on the symptoms than fixing root causes. Yoruba will say ‘ Ori bibe Ko ni ogun ori fifo! May God help us!
    Obsession for some even leads to death in some cases, even after separation. The first and best solution will be to pick the signs early and avoid it totally. Wisdom is the principal thing here.
    To start fixing the problem permanently, or reduce to the minimum let us start from addressing the the root cause and raise capable and responsible children for the society. Children learn 80% of these behaviors from home. The menace is is societal issues, we can start from our communities. My own two cents!

    June 13, 2022 at 8:45 am
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Excellent piece Yemi. I listened to a discussion on radio where a woman was chided for having the daughters in the kitchen while their brother played video games. You are right about abusers being nurtured that way, as that boy would not contemplate ‘slaving’ in the kitchen for his wife and kids.

      June 25, 2022 at 10:15 pm
  • Adenike Reply

    Unfortunately we still see alot of people dying in silence enduring the abuse and pain…. depression/mental health are no more slogans .

    June 13, 2022 at 9:20 am
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Very right, depression and mental health issues are the reality of the times.

      June 25, 2022 at 10:17 pm
  • Tolulola Reply

    Hmmm, a lot of issues concerning Marriage has been raised in this article.
    There is the issue of Submission, What could make one of the parties in a marriage snap and turn into a vicious Killer, Divorce- to be or not to be, Communication, how much say does the Wife have in the Marriage, the general conduct of the Parties in the marriage and so on, the list is endless.
    A thought provoking article but at the end of the day each Couple must fashion out what works for them.
    In addition each party must be 100% involved. Be ready to twist and turn as the need arises.
    Finally, i agree with the write up, having done all there is to do and all that can possibly be done las las No be by Force.

    June 13, 2022 at 4:35 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Your points about communication and conduct in marriage is key because that’s where the “red flags” could easily be noticed first. As you clearly stated, no formular for marriage, each couple has to choose what works best for them.

      June 25, 2022 at 10:23 pm
  • Kaphaaya Ola Reply

    Really interesting piece.Times are changing and views on marriage are transforming with the times.Women are getting more empowered and are rather seeking partners rather than someone to “submit” to.The Nigerian or African definition of “submission” as per stories and my experience is to accept what the husband does regardless of whether it’s wrong or right.They forget that in the same sermon it says “love your wives like your bodies”. So if you truly love your wife- her submission I am very sure will come naturally without you requesting for it. How many men do that?What is really submission if we get to the nitty gritty of it.A woman should be submissive but what if the man? Marriage is not a do or die affair anymore and like you said when it’s irreparable “MOVE” before you damage yourself and people around you.At the end of the day, we strive for happiness and no human can give you that except yourself. No man or woman or child or material things can make you happy or save you.Once respect is no longer being served, respect yourself and do the needful. May God keep blessing us and our homes and keep the light shining on our households.

    June 13, 2022 at 9:14 pm
    • Titi Olajide Cole Reply

      Amen. Being happy and at peace with oneself is very important and we have to guard that jealously.

      June 25, 2022 at 10:26 pm

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